February, eight years ago, we became foster parents to what we now know as our last two foster children out of the 61 we fostered over the 13 years. Our now daughter was six at the time, and her brother, our now son, was only 5. These two souls began their lives with many mental health care trauma (predisposing factors). And our then five-year son, at the time, found out he was born with physical challenges. Just seven days after coming into our home, he and I discovered at his first-ever Muscular Dystrophy Association Clinic (MDA) that he had DMD (Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy). This was devastating news. He was only five, knowing his prior family tried to kill him and his body. This is where my mama's trauma began.
These two small souls became our forever children just 14 months after arriving in our home. However, they both came into this world with a predisposition to mental factors from their biological family. And our son, with a devastating health condition from his biological mother. Let's not forget the physical and psychological neglect, as well as the sexual abuse which was inflicted on these innocent children. In the first years of their little lives, before our home, their birth families and the adopted family. This adopted "family," who only had them less than a year, came back into foster care and our home. This in and of itself would give way to even more mental health problems, issues, conditions, and concerns. Concerns that we, known as their third set of parents, would not be adequately supported. Honestly, who would be? Even with having sixty-one children in our home and learning through the vast amount of training given to us, all we could about mental health along the way, no one could be prepared for such a dire situation our two children were and would be faced with because of their past.
Our daughter was physically and mentally neglected and abused. Our son was as well; however, he was also tortured by his prior adopted family for five months before entering back into foster care. Although these eight years have brought permanency and closure to the previous mentally and physically unstable environment, it never takes away or closes the past of the emotional, physical, and mental impact on a child's permanent state of mind.
If anyone says adoption is the beginning of a fairy-tale dream, they are sadly mistaken. When a family takes on children with the "sins of their forefathers," families begin the unexpected journey of navigating how best to heal the child and keep the family unit together. It forms a new life of unstable mental health atmosphere and the concerns of each child's state of mind at any given time of day or life's triggers. It begins a life of PTSD for the family at large and how that will forever change the family unit.
Sometimes it feels as though the horrific trauma given by the prior homes is now our own. I began my life with my deep-rooted trauma, which is now ten-fold by our children's trauma. Their trauma and triggers are now spilling over into our daily lives, which creates my triggers. Even the strongest of parents, couples, and families are forever altered by the constant change of emotional state shared by the family unit and home environment.
Unless you have lived through this tumultuous atmosphere, it is easier to explain adequately. Being an advocate for over 18 years, we have been sharing the needs of children in foster care, but now our family has forever changed. We are now living a new existence of how the rest of our lives will life out. It is hard to be in a constant home full of peace. This is and will forever be an understatement. We take those small moments of peace as a time to be grateful for those limited occasions.
Finding a new way to live out the following years of our lives will be challenging. It is hard to live with the knowledge that the findings of our children will forever make the most robust parent feel defeated. How does one see the past trauma of a teen, but on the other hand, see the poor, sometimes criminal decision made by the same teen? I pray that all of you who read this will never experience such pain and loss. However, I stand with you in support, love, and prayer for those mighty few who have lived out this parenting life.
I pray over my husband, marriage, children, and grandchildren. I pray that all see our adoption decision of the children as a gift from our God Almighty. I pray over their past, their DNA, their trauma, their decision, and their future. I pray their lives are seen as open vessels for God to change forever. To use their lives to make an impactful light for others to see. I pray they see God's grace over their lives by setting an example and showing my grace. I am confident that I can have the strength to make a difference and have the wisdom to do so as I reach my life's end.
In His Service,
Tammy
president and founder of +Foster Closet
"Mom to the Broken - Hope to the Fatherless"
