How many times do you say to your kids, "It feels like you will never learn" or "We tell you the same things over and over again." Is a daily occurrence in your home? Well, It is in ours. It's hard to remember that in just three short years of living with our family, our children are making strides and at the same time, a few steps backward! Prior to adoption, our family was a family four, me, my husband John and the two from our belly, Ben, and Reagan. We had been set into motion for over 21 1/2 years when our last two foster children (sixty and sixty-one) forever stepped into our cohesive environment. However, the daily routines of our family's well-adjusted spinning wheel came to a halt on that quiet February night. Our then, six-year-old son and our seven-year-old daughter entered our family room for the first time. At that moment we became a family of six, although it changed our world, it must have been so hard for our two new little ones to enter into foster care, for yet another time. This more often than you think for children coming into this type of environment or a similar pre-existing home. Our two children now had to live in our already 21 years, established family of four. And our family had to learn how to bring them into the fold.
One cannot forget that our children also lived with their birth mom on and off for 5/6 years and in and out of relative care, nonrelative and foster care. They lived with their birth father for a short time, prior to coming back into the system. And also, living with their maternal grandmother, who was not the best fit for my children. Our babies were in and out of foster care twice (maybe more with nonrelative placement) and then adopted first time for a short time (prior to our home) and now entering the foster care system yet again, because of the torture of one of the kids. How hard is that to comprehend for me as an adult, the many unstable environments that our children must have experienced in just 6 or seven years. Seeing their past in black and white is extremely difficult to read. Yet children lived it all the time. Our children not only lived it, endured it! How can we forget? Sadly, at times, we do. However, I'm grateful for the day when they cannot remember.
I don't want to be so doom and gloom as you read this blog. But I want to hit home how most of our children and families are living day in and day out with the children's past abuses and mental states. Our foster care and foster/adopted world is a bubble no one wants to bust, but I must, as I advocate for the ones who have had to live in the world of the foster care system. Have you ever stopped and thought about your own past? Please take a minute and think, "How many schools did you move to before third grade?" I can remember being moved 2 to two different schools before third grade. "How many homes did you attend prior to turning six or seven?" For me, only one loving home with two parents and one brother. By the way one house I lived in as well. And I'm pretty sure you didn't potentially live with 7 to 8 families before you were in the first grade? "How many last names did you have?" or "How many women you called mom?" This brings to home the unstructured, dysfunctional lives that are lived by our children in foster care. These are the memories our children recall each time they think back.
When we think about the set rules we for children growing up in our home. How many rules did you break? How many times did your parents tell you repeatedly what it needs to be done? So funny to see my childhood from someone perspective and not my own's. I can remember being a funny happy little girl, who wanted and needed, quite a lot of attention. I wanted to be in charge at all times. I grew up in church and knew right from wrong. I had one last name until my marriage. I came from a family who loved me and shared my name. I knew all the rules and yet... yep! I even I broke them... but just sometimes? I'm sure I was no saint, but if you would ask my cousins, my mom and dad and oh yeah, my little brother, their recollection might be a tad bit different from mine? However, as I think of all our 57 foster and now our 2 adopted children, it somehow it all pails in comparison to my simple childhood. Although I did have an abuse of own in my family, I never had to live with that perpetrator. I was able to go home to my parents and family who cared for me in the way a mom and dad should. However, doesn't the childhood of every foster child having to endure such anguishing pain, pail in comparison? Put into reality, children in care, are lost when entering our stable homes? If a child is struggling with depression, ADHD, or better yet, severe trauma, which was given to them by their own parents/adoptive parents, doesn't learn the simple things, like when to brush your teeth, not sneaking candy to their room or the mundane cleaning of your room, bring the point of "WHO CARES" kind-of-attitude? Sometimes baby steps for children in foster care are huge accomplishments. Of course, I'm preaching to myself and our own family's fundamental way of parenting of what children coming out of this atmosphere, should do or how to act. Our children to the outside world look "normal", but to us, they drive us crazy! To all our foster/adoptive parents, you are normal too! But when I think about it, I'm sure I drove my parents crazy too! I will take feeling crazy for now, and teach our children, who they can become! I have to think of how in just in almost 3 short years, these kiddos are just trying to catch up our 24 and half years of growing as a family. When I see from my children's perspective, it makes me step back and take a huge breath as I begin to sink into the memories of when they stepped into our home that 12th Thursday night in February. When the DCF CPI (Department of Children and Families, Child Protection Investigator), as well as an Emergency Trauma Therapist, dropped off the children, we thought we would have them for a short time. They must have been so scared!! Fast forward to today and to how they come so far in our family! I'm amazed at whom they are today! We are all intertwined with the McGuire Family and I am blessed! They are growing! We are blessed!
I pray that our children see that punishments are the consequences of their own choices. Punishments never make us feel loved. They only bring to light just how imperfect we are. But I still hope that we show when taking privileges away, only acknowledges how we are wanting to cultivate beautiful human beings who will make the right decisions in their future. Just this week we were driving down the short road to school, and I turned on the radio thinking to hear music, however, was surprised to hear a preacher explaining how God allows all of us to receive consequences to the poor choices we have made. I turned off the radio to elaborate on my children sitting in the back seat, who cannot escape the sound of my voice! I shared with them, just like when they break the rules, the kids get no TV or dessert taken away, adults can have consequences too. I went on to say, yes, even I must follow the rules (law) of a state or our country and if I choose not to, I to have consequences for my own actions. As we were stopped at stop sign, I pointed over to the house to our right and I asked the kids if I just could walk into that person's home or drive all over their lawn and rip up their grass? They said no way!! Of course, they said no? I was so glad they said no! I told them it's not just a law I would break, or that I was going to maliciously run over someone's property, it was that kind of action was also not morally correct. I think they got it? But I had to try... I had to ask... I had to explain. Becuase I'm their mom. I can never assume as the parent, what any of my children know. I must always and continuously instruct, sometimes "nag", in hopes they get what is to be expected of them. As I dropped them off at school, one child shared aka tattled, that the other child took one of my own birthday flowers given to me by a friend of mine. My child had brought it to school to give to a friend or a teacher and had it in their pocket. When asked if they took my flower, reluctant the guilty party pulled it out of their pocket. I shared how the flower took, was given to me by my friend and I wished they would have just asked if they could take one flower. The door shut and I continued to drive through drop-off and off to work. When getting to work, I noticed that the same child had brought an item into the car they were told to not bring out of the house. Oh, my! Was my talk too late? At least they left the item in the car? Baby steps momma bear, baby steps.
I want our children to grow up knowing right from wrong. However, I must always live by example and instruction, so they can learn by the repetitiveness of life. When I picked my kiddos up from school that same day, shared with them how although I had other flowers at home, the ones that were taken, were mine. I had to explain how what is mine is not theirs. I also shared that sometimes it's better to ask if one can to take, before taking. We must be consistent in our teaching and not expect that children coming from dysfunctional, trauma-filled existence prior to our homes, should truly understand how to make good decisions. Sometimes I think foster parents forget that when children have been with you almost three years or more, we must not assume they are retaining, remember they were with their prior homes much longer than with our home's. So as the parent of my children, I must continually instruct and explain and then repeat again and again. Sometimes with great details. We cannot expect children to take our children's mixed up life's puzzle pieces and think theirs can cohesively fit into ours. I know their pieces are always forming and never set. God knows, I wish, but in the long run, I know, I'm speaking directly to myself. I want to become their greatest life teacher and not the memory of an inconsistent, dysfunctional past-family dynamic they once lived. God gave them to me to prove His ways are righteous and you cannot prove anything without the why. You must say why I told you so... Over and Over and Over again. That's because they are so worth it! Over and Over Again!
In His Service,
Tammy
president and founder of
+Foster Closet
"Mom to the Broken - Hope to the Fatherless"
When our son Ben, (now 24) was around twelve years old, he had the excellent opportunity to meet a local athlete who became one of his favorite baseball players of all time! Daniel Murphy was so kind when he met Ben, and as a parent, we always look at those who are good role models in your child’s life. Daniel stopped that day from his training to speak to our young son. That moment not only made Ben’s day but, that moment also showed Daniel’s kind heart for kids and forever touched Ben. Ben has followed Daniel’s career ever since.
