How to teach, when you think they should know.

How many times do you say to your kids, "It feels like you will never learn" or "We tell you the same things over and over again." Is a daily occurrence in your home? Well, It is in ours.  It's hard to remember that in just three short years of living with our family, our children are making strides and at the same time, a few steps backward! Prior to adoption, our family was a family four, me, my husband John and the two from our belly, Ben, and Reagan. We had been set into motion for over 21 1/2  years when our last two foster children (sixty and sixty-one) forever stepped into our cohesive environment.  However, the daily routines of our family's well-adjusted spinning wheel came to a halt on that quiet February night. Our then, six-year-old son and our seven-year-old daughter entered our family room for the first time. At that moment we became a family of six, although it changed our world, it must have been so hard for our two new little ones to enter into foster care, for yet another time. This more often than you think for children coming into this type of environment or a similar pre-existing home. Our two children now had to live in our already 21 years, established family of four. And our family had to learn how to bring them into the fold.

One cannot forget that our children also lived with their birth mom on and off for 5/6 years and in and out of relative care, nonrelative and foster care. They lived with their birth father for a short time, prior to coming back into the system. And also, living with their maternal grandmother, who was not the best fit for my children. Our babies were in and out of foster care twice (maybe more with nonrelative placement) and then adopted first time for a short time (prior to our home) and now entering the foster care system yet again, because of the torture of one of the kids. How hard is that to comprehend for me as an adult, the many unstable environments that our children must have experienced in just 6 or seven years. Seeing their past in black and white is extremely difficult to read.  Yet children lived it all the time.  Our children not only lived it, endured it! How can we forget? Sadly, at times, we do. However, I'm grateful for the day when they cannot remember.

I don't want to be so doom and gloom as you read this blog. But I want to hit home how most of our children and families are living day in and day out with the children's past abuses and mental states. Our foster care and foster/adopted world is a bubble no one wants to bust, but I must, as I advocate for the ones who have had to live in the world of the foster care system. Have you ever stopped and thought about your own past? Please take a minute and think, "How many schools did you move to before third grade?" I can remember being moved 2 to two different schools before third grade. "How many homes did you attend prior to turning six or seven?" For me, only one loving home with two parents and one brother. By the way one house I lived in as well.  And I'm pretty sure you didn't potentially live with 7 to 8  families before you were in the first grade?  "How many last names did you have?"  or "How many women you called mom?" This brings to home the unstructured, dysfunctional lives that are lived by our children in foster care. These are the memories our children recall each time they think back.

When we think about the set rules we for children growing up in our home. How many rules did you break? How many times did your parents tell you repeatedly what it needs to be done?  So funny to see my childhood from someone perspective and not my own's.  I can remember being a funny happy little girl, who wanted and needed, quite a lot of attention. I wanted to be in charge at all times.   I grew up in church and knew right from wrong. I had one last name until my marriage. I came from a family who loved me and shared my name. I knew all the rules and yet... yep! I even I broke them... but just sometimes?  I'm sure I was no saint, but if you would ask my cousins, my mom and dad and oh yeah, my little brother, their recollection might be a tad bit different from mine?  However, as I think of all our 57 foster and now our 2 adopted children, it somehow it all pails in comparison to my simple childhood. Although I did have an abuse of own in my family, I never had to live with that perpetrator. I was able to go home to my parents and family who cared for me in the way a mom and dad should. However, doesn't the childhood of every foster child having to endure such anguishing pain, pail in comparison? Put into reality,  children in care,  are lost when entering our stable homes? If a child is struggling with depression, ADHD, or better yet, severe trauma, which was given to them by their own parents/adoptive parents, doesn't learn the simple things, like when to brush your teeth, not sneaking candy to their room or the mundane cleaning of your room, bring the point of "WHO CARES" kind-of-attitude? Sometimes baby steps for children in foster care are huge accomplishments. Of course, I'm preaching to myself and our own family's fundamental way of parenting of what children coming out of this atmosphere, should do or how to act.  Our children to the outside world look "normal", but to us, they drive us crazy! To all our foster/adoptive parents, you are normal too! But when I think about it, I'm sure I drove my parents crazy too! I will take feeling crazy for now, and teach our children, who they can become! I have to think of how in just in almost 3 short years, these kiddos are just trying to catch up our 24 and half years of growing as a family. When I see from my children's perspective, it makes me step back and take a huge breath as I begin to sink into the memories of when they stepped into our home that 12th Thursday night in February. When the DCF CPI (Department of Children and Families, Child Protection Investigator), as well as an Emergency Trauma Therapist, dropped off the children, we thought we would have them for a short time. They must have been so scared!! Fast forward to today and to how they come so far in our family! I'm amazed at whom they are today!  We are all intertwined with the McGuire Family and I am blessed! They are growing! We are blessed!

I pray that our children see that punishments are the consequences of their own choices. Punishments never make us feel loved. They only bring to light just how imperfect we are.   But I still hope that we show when taking privileges away, only acknowledges how we are wanting to cultivate beautiful human beings who will make the right decisions in their future.  Just this week we were driving down the short road to school,  and I turned on the radio thinking to hear music, however, was surprised to hear a preacher explaining how God allows all of us to receive consequences to the poor choices we have made.  I turned off the radio to elaborate on my children sitting in the back seat, who cannot escape the sound of my voice! I shared with them, just like when they break the rules, the kids get no TV or dessert taken away, adults can have consequences too. I went on to say, yes, even I must follow the rules (law) of a state or our country and if I choose not to, I to have consequences for my own actions. As we were stopped at stop sign, I pointed over to the house to our right and I asked the kids if I just could walk into that person's home or drive all over their lawn and rip up their grass? They said no way!! Of course, they said no? I was so glad they said no!  I told them it's not just a law I would break, or that I was going to maliciously run over someone's property, it was that kind of action was also not morally correct. I think they got it? But I had to try... I had to ask... I had to explain. Becuase I'm their mom.  I can never assume as the parent, what any of my children know.  I must always and continuously instruct, sometimes "nag", in hopes they get what is to be expected of them. As I dropped them off at school, one child shared aka tattled, that the other child took one of my own birthday flowers given to me by a friend of mine. My child had brought it to school to give to a friend or a teacher and had it in their pocket. When asked if they took my flower,  reluctant the guilty party pulled it out of their pocket. I shared how the flower took, was given to me by my friend and I wished they would have just asked if they could take one flower. The door shut and I continued to drive through drop-off and off to work. When getting to work, I noticed that the same child had brought an item into the car they were told to not bring out of the house. Oh, my! Was my talk too late? At least they left the item in the car? Baby steps momma bear, baby steps.

I want our children to grow up knowing right from wrong. However, I must always live by example and instruction, so they can learn by the repetitiveness of life. When I picked my kiddos up from school that same day,  shared with them how although I had other flowers at home, the ones that were taken, were mine. I had to explain how what is mine is not theirs. I also shared that sometimes it's better to ask if one can to take, before taking.  We must be consistent in our teaching and not expect that children coming from dysfunctional, trauma-filled existence prior to our homes, should truly understand how to make good decisions. Sometimes I think foster parents forget that when children have been with you almost three years or more,  we must not assume they are retaining,  remember they were with their prior homes much longer than with our home's. So as the parent of my children, I must continually instruct and explain and then repeat again and again. Sometimes with great details. We cannot expect children to take our children's mixed up life's puzzle pieces and think theirs can cohesively fit into ours.  I know their pieces are always forming and never set. God knows, I wish, but in the long run,  I know, I'm speaking directly to myself. I want to become their greatest life teacher and not the memory of an inconsistent, dysfunctional past-family dynamic they once lived. God gave them to me to prove His ways are righteous and you cannot prove anything without the why. You must say why I told you so... Over and Over and Over again. That's because they are so worth it! Over and Over Again!

In His Service,
Tammy
president and founder of +Foster Closet
"Mom to the Broken - Hope to the Fatherless"

The struggles of PTSD

Sometimes you look at your child who has been through so much and see this soul full of promise! A being that feels whole and gives you a peace of accomplishment... "He's come such a long way"!! And then IT happens, an "episode". What does that look like, you might ask? One minute you have a compliant child, the next you have a child looking blank at you and beginning to shut down, or better yet, revert to his toddler years. When a child has been so horrifically victimized by the very same people he was supposed to trust and stay safe forever, that is when the child's brain learns to protect itself.  This is when those moments overcome us with the continual anticipation of the emotional rug being pulled out from underneath us.

As a parent, you feel helpless to manage their outburst and your reaction to the outburst. You try to understand the reason and rhyme of it all... but when it comes down to it, you just can't. You have to come to the conclusion that your child's brain has forever been altered by the prior abusers and they have put a mark on your child. That is why they react to certain circumstances they cannot control. And better yet, how they react to you.

The worst call as a parent is when you can get from school's principal telling you your son is being baker-acted! Baker-act is when you must provide individuals with emergency services and temporary detention for mental health evaluation and treatment when required, either on a voluntary or an involuntary basis. This is a process where the child stays overnight for 48-72 hours. Our son was only six, that's right 6 years of age when it happened to us! Having to know my little boy and others like him, are being placed in the backseat of a police car and all because adults were frightened of him, yes frightened, that saddens me to utter those words. When arriving at the mental health institution, I had to be buzzed in to see my child. Once through the door, I was met by my blanked-face little boy and a police officer. He told me he didn't have to handcuff him... what! handcuff a six-year-old?  After waiting in the small cramped lobby, we watched older teens come in with handcuffs and calmly know what to do and what was expected of them. It was almost as though they chose to act out so that they could arrive at this mental health institution. I was so saddened and tried to hold back my tears. Better yet, having to watch your child undress and be examine by a stranger to see if he had any bruises from his self-harming. And when your little one ask if he is staying and where you are going is so difficult to answer. Then finally having to watch this little child walk through those big double doors to good-bye and not knowing who long he would stay and not being able to speak to those taking care of my child.

In all my 13 years of fostering, I had never come across such a child who was likened to have untrained-animalist tendencies. Once a child has been brought to that moment, they realize they are not worthy of life. If you are 5/6 years old and have come to that conclusion, why even try. There are children in foster care who have had many more years of continual abuse, to which the damage is greater to their growing and every changing brains. How do they trust? How do they process? How do they determined to know who is good and when will that "good" person switch to hurting them. I'm sure that hearing anything negative come out of an adult around these children, can be processed as - "WHEN I SAY NO !" ... hurt follows.

Having a child who was deemed "tortured" by The Department of Children and Families, you truly cannot imagine what their brain was gone through. At the time of adoption, you are able to read the court's transcripts of your child's life, that is when reality sets in. You find out that prior to birth was extremely dangerous for this child, no prenatal care, born addicted to many drugs, shown pictures of your future son all hooked up to so many tubes and wires helping him survive... and that is just the beginning of their life.

I am here to say there is HOPE! Yes, you must pray to love throughout the pain, frustration, and fear but love is truly not enough! First, medication is a must for children like ours, although not forever. Second, we must follow through with consistency to our threats. IF you say the child has to go to bed early that night, stay the course. They will learn to manipulate through their survival skills, you must take a firm (but loving) stand and follow through with your parenting. Third, we must give affirmation when the child succeeds in self-calming or staying on task. Finally, never give up on therapy! Starting out with trauma therapy is essential for a child to process and control their feelings, emotions and physical actions. This process also helps the family learn, process and control their child. After discharged from over one year of trauma therapy, we switched to traditional and post-adoption therapy. I am a true believer that once a child learns why, they and the family must learn how to keep the self-calming, and self-control of their daily triggers and outburst.

I promise it is the hardest life-event you will ever experience if you have a PTSD child, however, to see a positive progression is the reward for your due diligence. Learn more about your child and his or her's mental health, then apply it to your daily routine and stay the course of action given to you by your mental health specialist. You will be whole, your family will be whole, or as whole as the child can be with a mental health diagnosis can be.

In His Service,
Tammy
president and founder of +Foster Closet
"Mom to the Broken - Hope to the Fatherless"